The content below is purely satirical and completely fictional.
The annual “Flu Festival” is underway at universities, proving once again that President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 is in cahoots with the Democratic Party machine to implant diabolical devices into the arms of America’s youth. According to university records, one of the main suppliers of influenza vaccines to Flu Fest is none other than Bill Gates, the offspring of Big Tech in the Deep State.
These so-called “vaccines” will no doubt be chock-full of microchips that, when activated by 5G signals, will be brainwashed into pledging support to Xi Jinping, as well as powerful strains of the Woke Virus. Included. For those who have taken the red pill enough to avoid this “drug,” I, Michael Huang, Chief Medical Correspondent for Daily Print Anything, have a list of flu-fest alternatives that will keep you healthy all winter long. I have three suggestions.
1. Take ivermectin supplements
Medical experts have proven that ivermectin, the miracle cure for the Wuhan cold, is also a powerful antidote against other illnesses such as colds, influenza, and wake-up viruses.
Big Pharma sells ivermectin for humans and animals separately, but this is just an excuse to overcharge for the same product. Skeptics need look no further than famous media personality Alex Jones, who took veterinary grade ivermectin live on camera in 2021 and is now as healthy as a horse.
2. Perform a blood purification every night.
President Trump once wisely said that the germicidal properties of bleach and ultraviolet light can work wonders inside the human body. Unfortunately, science is not yet at a stage where this can be done non-lethally.
But anyone who has used hand sanitizer knows that alcohol has similar disinfecting properties and is safe to drink in large quantities. Studies conducted in home basements have shown that a blood alcohol concentration of 60 percent or higher is sufficient to eliminate most influenza strains from the bloodstream. We recommend Everclear as it is slightly more palatable than hand sanitizer.
3. Eat prepackaged foods
Cafeteria workers are notorious for adding soy to undergraduate students’ meals to forcefully feminize them. Soy products contain phytoestrogens and have “estrogen” in their name, so they have a similar effect on the human body. Decreased muscle mass, louder voice, and increased sensitivity to social issues are all risk factors for the arousal virus.
Continuing to eat prepackaged food is a surefire way to ensure that the food has not been tampered with. For those looking for a protein boost, Sweet Sue’s canned whole chickens are a great choice.
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While there are many science-backed solutions to the disease, mandated “Fauci-Wuxies” and vaccine passports are a thing of the past. We hope you will reconsider your choice to get vaccinated and do what is best for you and your country.
Michael Hwang ’25 is the self-proclaimed chief medical correspondent for Daily PrintsAnything. He holds a degree in misinformation and immunology from Prager University.
