Dear Eric: My husband loves going to the gym since he retired. But he goes at 11pm or 12 midnight. He said if you go at that time there will only be a few people there and you will have access to all the machines so no problem. The downside is that when he gets home at 1:30 or 2 a.m., he wakes up to the garage door or the lights or the sound of the door opening.
I’ve asked him to make his gym time earlier, but he doesn’t understand why it bothers him or why I get up. I think it’s because I hear some noise while I’m sleeping and wake up. When I woke up and looked at the clock, it was 1:30 or 1:45 a.m. and I realized why I had woken up. I know he’s trying to be quiet, but I hear this in my subconscious and it just wakes me up.
By the time I go back to sleep, it’s 3 or 3:30 a.m. and I wake up at 4:20 a.m. to start my day and go to work. He’s retired and can go to the gym whenever he wants, but I’m still working. I go to bed around 10:30pm, but my sleep is interrupted and I feel really tired.
— Not exercising
For those of you who don’t work out: I don’t know what kind of bodybuilder’s utopia you live in, but the gym is just as empty at 2 a.m., if not more so, than it is at 11 p.m. I think so. So see if your husband goes later rather than earlier. That way, he’ll be home the same time you wake up.
You can also wear earplugs or a sleep mask to help you stay asleep.
However, he will have to compromise with you. He may not understand why his noise wakes him up, but that doesn’t make it any less true. He enjoys the perks of retirement, which is great, but freedom from a 9-to-5 job is not the same as freedom from civility and empathy in relationships. Please be firm about this. If he won’t work with you to find a solution, ask him why.
Dear Eric: My son is currently a senior in high school, and I realized from an early age that he wasn’t very interested in school. He gets C’s and D’s but doesn’t seem to care about it. But I know he’s very smart.
My husband and I are saving up for his college and have told him he can go to any college he wants.
He is an extraordinary artist and his art, drawings and paintings are truly outstanding. I told him it was a great hobby, but getting a degree was what he needed. We are a lower middle class family. I just want him to have something better than what my husband and I have.
All of his cousins are in college. One of them is attending an Ivy League university and the other is studying to become a doctor. The last time I talked to my son about college, he said he was going to attend community college for two years and then figure out what he wanted to do. Should I let him decide for himself? I’m worried that when he reaches middle age and struggles in the future, he will regret not getting an education that he could afford. What should I do with the college funds I saved up for him? Should I give it to him? He is our only child.
— Confused Mom
Dear Mom: What a wonderful gift for your son. If possible, try releasing expectations about the gift. Comparing your son to cousins in the family who attend Ivy League schools will only make him feel trapped. A college education is important, but it does not guarantee a financially stable life. I completely understand and affirm your wishes, but there are other possibilities.
Show me how to see him for who he is, advocate for him, and use his strengths.
Talk to him about what you would want if he had no expectations. Consider your options for earning an arts degree. It can lead to professional success in graphic design, branding, interior design, art education, film, and hundreds of other fields.
Also, talk to him about taking a gap year. However, please do not hand over this year’s college funds. Gaining real-world experience in an entry-level job or internship before starting school can help you hone your vision for the future and make more strategic choices. We understand that you want a straight path to financial happiness. That’s something worth celebrating. I say this as someone who went to playwriting school and is now writing to you from a newspaper. Life will surprise you.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for the weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
