Welcome, friends, to the never-ending show. At least, that’s what it feels like. After weeks of nonsense and four days of the Fearless Four saying the same thing every minute, it’s hard to believe that we’re still a month away from the Tory leadership election. I think we need to be grateful for small mercies. We may not be at the beginning of the end, but we are at the end of the beginning.
Well, it was really hard work. Many people died, long service medals were earned, and medical costs went through the roof. Think about all the people who had to hear all of this doggy bollocks.
At best, it’s an insignificant election, and at worst, it’s an irrelevant election. With the Middle East on the brink of another full-scale war, the Conservative Party has chosen to take an indefinite leave of absence to talk about itself. And it’s not even like the conversation is honest. That’s still a step away.
But at least the Conservative Party conference ends in a year. But the speech ended in the most painful way possible, with each of the four candidates giving what they called 20-minute speeches. But all of them went horribly out of control. As if we hadn’t suffered enough. What is it that is so common among politicians that once they start talking, they just can’t stop? Everyone is blessed with an inability to read the atmosphere in the room at all. TLDL. I didn’t listen for too long.
A more interesting format would be cage fighting. Or tag team mud wrestling. That’s something some of us might have been happy to have happened.
However, I think there was only one winner. Kemi Badenoch. She would have just taken out her AK-47 and gunned down the other three. before turning the weapon on himself. There’s nothing KemiKaze loves more than sudden death.
The proceedings began with Conservative Party chairman Richard Fuller handing the bell to an unidentified person – including myself – as Michael Gove and George Osborne looked on indifferently from the press box. Even they don’t care about the Conservative Party anymore.
Shadow leader Stuart Andrew then appeared and made some ribbing about Keir Starmer’s acceptance of the Taylor Swift giveaway. He forgot that he had received a Kylie Minogue giveaway a while ago. Maybe he’s angry at his own lack of ambition.
Tom Tugendhat took the lead, but it took a real barnstormer to convert the chances. He wasn’t really successful. He performed the entire routine without autocue, but still managed to make it sound as if what he was saying was a surprise to him. Go figure. Most of the time he just rambled on, switching from one platitude to another without any real insight into why the Conservatives were humiliated in the last election. It was.
He said he had been in the military. Of course he did. He promised not to kill us. He also rather glossed over why he supported Liz Truss in 2022 (Truster is a Tory guilty secret) and ignored Partygate. There they all did it again. When the history of the past five years is written, the Fearless Four will be surprised to find themselves at the center of it.
“I haven’t failed a mission yet,” Tom said. A hostage of good fortune. He may have realized that there is always a first time. Let’s do that a second time. His bid for leadership in 2022 was also in vain. “Okay. Enough is enough,” he declared. Then I continued. It’s either great comic timing or a lack of awareness. You decide.
Next up was James Cleverley. Everyone is a natural number four. A natural follower. Still, at least Jimmy Dimley knows how to turn his weaknesses into strengths. He still didn’t fully understand how to use the autocue and kept slowing down to give him a chance to catch up. Sometimes he sounded like someone approaching gravity. Most of the time, though, he sounded exactly like David Brent. “There’s no time to lose, and neither will I,” he declared, clearly excited by his words. He didn’t care that it could have been taken directly from the office.
There were other strange moments as well. He praised the ticket grabbers and claimed Labor had lied to the country. Well, everyone. That was you. Jimmy D went on an endless rampage in a deathmatch with Autocue, trying to keep people unconscious. But Hall loved him. Clear winner. Maybe it was because he was the only one who sounded vaguely normal. You wouldn’t believe how low the bar is for this contest.
Robert Jenrick was true to himself. I think highly of Ozempic, and I thoroughly dislike him. It’s like he doesn’t really want to be a leader. “You know how much I hate empty rhetoric,” he said. Before giving a speech based on 30 minutes of empty rhetoric. If he doesn’t get the job, I’ll miss him. He makes my job very easy.
“I’m in politics for the little people,” Honest Bob continued. Conveniently, he forgot to mention the £40 million favor he gave Conservative pornographer Dirty Death as housing minister. He also promised to end “a more controlled decline.” It’s great that he recognizes that as the Conservative Party’s legacy.
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After pandering to a few more facile prejudices, he wondered why there were no teachers, doctors, or nurses in the hall. Well…that’s because they were at a labor conference last week. Ozempic Bob took several weeks to write this speech, but it was the best he could come up with.
Last up was Kemi Badenoch, ready to resume an abusive relationship with the Conservative Party. There were rules here. She treats them like trash, but in return they give her undying loyalty. As usual, her speech was a long list of grievances, with no effort to understand why this country hates her party right now. She believes the Conservatives lost the election because of their despicable dedication to net zero.
“I don’t like fighting,” she lied. She loves being alone. And she was ready to accept any participants. It was the weirdest leadership pitch ever. Something completely based on culture wars. She was trying to make the 2030s great.
She couldn’t explain why the Conservatives couldn’t make the 2010s or 2020s great when they had the chance. All that mattered was that people who were kind and treated each other with respect should know that their days were numbered. And she was going to jail 50,000 civil servants first.
Was this it? Was this really the case? Did I wait 4 days for this? The audience was screaming to be let out. Half of them disappeared before the national anthem. What’s wrong with the Conservative Party these days? Don’t they love their country?
A year at Westminster: John Crace, Marina Hyde and Pippa Crellard
On Tuesday 3 December, Crais, Hyde and Crellard will be broadcast live from London’s Barbican and livestreamed around the world as we look back at an unprecedented year in politics. Book your tickets here or at Guardian.Live
