At Tina*’s high school graduation, her teacher gave her the only compliment that mattered. “I love your shoes.” And they’re better than Chelsea*. ”
Although Tina and Chelsea never spoke publicly about their long-standing rivalry, it was clear to everyone at their small private school in Alabama that they were sworn enemies. “Well, it was like two girls who had ridiculously good grades, wore cute clothes, and were annoying were obviously trying to compare themselves, even though in many ways, on paper, we weren’t.” Even if they weren’t all that similar,” says Tina. Chelsea is a petite white girl who self-consciously modeled herself on Elle Woods from Legally Blonde, drove a Pepto-Bismol pink Lexus, and dreamed of getting into Harvard. Meanwhile, Tina, who designed at Stanford University, describes herself as a “bigger, browner, moodier, louder young woman.”
In the end, they both got into the school of their dreams, but they gradually became estranged. But years later, Tina, 32, now an interior designer in New York, says she wouldn’t be where she is today without Chelsea.
“A lot of women, especially in the South, say they go to college to get their MRS, which is what many of our colleagues have done,” she says. “So I’m really grateful that I had her compete against me, because if I didn’t have that, I might not have thought, ‘Oh yeah, there’s a world where I can do it too.’ Become an achiever. ”
Still, she has mixed feelings. “It was a time in my life where I didn’t feel like I could relax or unwind. I graduated high school in 2010, so at the time people were talking about balance and mental health and self-love. This was not the time when
Millennial women may be the last generation of women to believe that they can have it all if they work hard enough, but this story spans the Great Recession, the parenting crisis, the pandemic, and racism. It collapsed amidst a stubborn epidemic of sexism. society. It’s because competition is baked into their bones: the heated college admissions race, the rise of pick-me, the tabloids’ obsession with catfights. (Remember the days of Britney vs. Christina, Tonya Harding vs. Nancy Kerrigan, Naomi Campbell vs. Tyra Banks, Diana vs. Camila?) Whatever it is, it’s the ultimate fuel for success for many. led him to discover his nemesis.
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Let’s take Legally Blonde as an example. This is a fun classic, a 2001 document of archetypal girlboss feminism. The plot hinges on Woods making a personal sacrifice and staying up all night to come out on top. She, too, is motivated by hatred for her nemesis (in this case, WASPy brunette Vivian Kensington, whom her ex-boyfriend chose over her). Although Woods eventually becomes friends with his nemesis, Harvard Law’s workload and competitive culture are never put under the microscope. Does it matter as long as Woods wins?
“Those of us who grew up in the ’90s learned early on the ‘scarcity’ theory: There’s never enough success to go around, so you have to grab it yourself.” Rachel*, a 40-year-old woman, said: At the girls’ junior high school she attends, there is a fierce competitive relationship with other students. “This environment forced people to either succumb to pressure or become miserable, high-achieving adults,” she added.
There’s been a lot of discussion these days about work-life balance and self-care, and with that comes the idea that being better than you is bad for everyone involved, and the internalized misogyny that pits women against each other. There is a growing collective recognition that this is a manifestation. Why not link arms and lift each other up? Or will they destroy the system rather than each other?
Because nothing motivates you to succeed like good old-fashioned malice. “People think, ‘Oh, revenge is really unhealthy,'” says Marie*, a 34-year-old art director and writer. “It’s like, ‘You really didn’t have a nemesis.'”
Yes, you can become a girlboss if you fly too close to the sun. But if you never express hatred, will you ever grow wings?
After a strained relationship with her best friend and co-worker, Marie discovers the power of her nemesis. “There was a period after we broke up where they were trying to blacklist me,” she says. “They were secretly having sex with my assistant, who told me this three years later.” Previously, Marie had felt insecure about her writing and suffered from discouraging comments from former friends. continued to hurt her confidence. When my friend disappeared from the picture, everything changed. “In the process of falling out with someone who had a similar job to me, I published two books and started my career as a writer,” she says. “It was never a question of whether you could do it or not. It was almost exclusively ‘I can do it better than you.'”
A relationship that blends work and play is the ideal melting pot for an optimally useful nemesis. Of course, academic and professional fields provide an inherently competitive context and serve to provide tangible indicators (class rankings, promotions, awards) to impress rivals. Messy personal relationships only add fuel to the fire.
For others, it’s all business — as in the case of Emily*, who has long been looking over her shoulder at another woman in her field. “I cringed every time I saw her announce a win in a big production. I could barely even watch. She’s a self-promoter and her successes aren’t that big. “I said to myself,” she says. “Then I went into the job interview and her name popped up (on the screen). She was scheduled to interview for the same job about 30 minutes after me. It was a moment of complete clarity. We’re really competitors in a way. …When I think about calling her now, I think about what she would think if she announced a new big project on social media.”
Ariella Basson/Bustle; Getty Images, Shutterstock
The millennials I spoke to even felt a little sad at the idea that younger, more enlightened generations are missing out on this messy but ultimately beneficial kind of relationship. Yes, you can become a girlboss if you fly too close to the sun. But if you never express hatred, will you ever grow wings?
Tina, for example, knows there was an unhealthy element to Chelsea’s obsession with winning that helped them get to where they are today. “I’m both bitter and happy about it,” she said, noting that she didn’t see the same enthusiasm in the eyes of her younger colleagues. “Half of the time I’m like, ‘Wow, I’m glad you worked hard[for yourself]and said what you want,’ but the other half of the time I’m like, ‘Brother, with this attitude towards work, I’m not going to last until I’m 28. Dew.”
No need to worry. Gen Z says resentment is alive and well. “In general, people are more tolerant, less at the mercy of others, less ‘there’s limited space at the top’ and less pitting women against each other. ” says Bianca*, 25. She was able to secure a nemesis, a former friend in the same field as her, and the motivational perks that come with it. Bianca says that her desire to outperform her competitors led her to act more confidently and put herself forward, which led to more opportunities. “The more you go online, the more you see what other people are doing,” she says. “It’s a lot of fun when you post about something you’ve done and you know that people will see it and how it’s going to be received. And social media has really influenced the performance of trying to be better than others. It is suitable for
For some, resentment is a valid reason to stay on social media. Julia*, 29, says of her nemesis:
And for many people, the romance isn’t over until they hit the unfollow button. Take the example of Tina, who unfollowed Chelsea during her college days. It felt good. “I think I won because I didn’t have to compare myself to her anymore,” she says.
Some, like Marie, have found a way to peacefully coexist with their nemesis from a safe distance. “I still respect your humanity. I still respect your contributions. I still respect the way you can appear in front of others in our network. I’m thinking about it,” she says. “But would you like to sit down and have a drink with me? That’s definitely not going to happen.”
*The name has been changed.
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