Veronica Shanklin quit her top marketing job in May 2013 to care for her grandmother, who has dementia. At first, she thought it was a temporary career break, but her mother received the same diagnosis. Ms. Shanklin is now her mother’s full-time caregiver. A specialist would be too expensive.
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This spoken essay is based on a conversation with Veronica Shanklin, 45, of Dallas. She stars in the upcoming PBS film “Wine, Women, and Dementia,” about the challenges of caring for a family member with dementia. Her interview with Business Insider has been edited for length and clarity.
In 2012, I rented an apartment downtown and worked as a marketing director at seven community colleges in Chicago.
The working hours were long and the pressure was great. With a bachelor’s degree in business administration and a master’s degree in arts management, I was at a crossroads deciding where to pursue my career next. I wanted to stay in the same field and considered moving to Atlanta or California.
But in the fall of that year, a frantic phone call from my mother ruined everything. My grandmother, who was 82 years old at the time and whom I called “Mama Nell,” became aggressive and violent towards my mother. They had been sharing a home in my hometown of Dallas since Mama Nell was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s several years ago.
Her mother, who worked full time, rushed to her grandmother after her caregiver said she was agitated and looking for an exit. Mama Nell called 911 and was taken to the hospital by ambulance.
My mother, who was 66 years old at the time, was at a loss. I got updates from my doctor, but it was hard to know what was going on. I flew to Dallas to help. I didn’t know anything about elderly care at first, but the social worker told me I had 24 hours to choose a nursing home for my grandmother.
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At first I thought it would be a temporary career hiatus.
Mom was traumatized. Although we didn’t know it at the time, her mental state reflected her own onset of dementia. There was almost no place for her to sleep as the bed was covered with papers, envelopes and bills. She said it’s a system that helps her “take care of myself,” but said her utility bills have been cut off because she forgets to pay.
It was all my responsibility, but with the advice of my friends from school, I found a nursing home in Mamanel. She was there for a while and it was terrible. We looked at other options, but they were either significantly lacking or too expensive. She had no choice but to return to her mother. We moved 900 miles from Chicago with me as their primary caregiver.
Quitting my job in May 2013 and giving up my apartment furniture was definitely stressful, but in that moment, it felt like something I had to do. I thought it was temporary, so I didn’t think anything was wrong. “I thought I would go home for a while and help my mother take care of my grandmother, and then get back to my normal life.”
Soon, my mother’s behavior followed a pattern similar to my grandmother’s, but she remained silent. She started repeating herself and had more problems managing her finances. When she was officially diagnosed with dementia in late 2013, I knew I would be living with it for a long time.
Shanklin and his mother enjoy lunch at a restaurant. Provided by Veronica Shanklin
I was able to support myself on my full-time salary, but my income has dropped to almost zero. I started volunteering to stay in the game and did a little freelance website graphic design work. However, I couldn’t get a full-time job because my salary was enough to care for my mother and grandmother.
Some people do that, but working full time and taking a second job as an unpaid caregiver when I get home from work is a financially, physically, and emotionally viable option for me. It wasn’t.
My relative was on Medicare, but it doesn’t pay for non-medical home care, also known as personal care assistance. It’s private, so you have to pay for it yourself. This type of senior care costs at least $25 per hour. And considering going into a memory care facility (which I wasn’t really interested in) would cost at least $4,000 or $5,000 a month.
I founded a non-profit organization to support dementia caregivers like me.
Mama Nell passed away in 2017 at the age of 86. For the past seven years, it has been just me and my mom. I love her dearly, but I’m starting to think about what I’ve sacrificed. I sometimes ask myself what would have happened career-wise and family-wise if I hadn’t taken on this caregiver role. Will I have a husband and children by now?
Still, I have been resourceful and intentional. In 2019, I founded Dementia Care Warriors, a nonprofit organization that supports caregivers of loved ones with Alzheimer’s disease and related illnesses. It provides advice and information about services such as free Senior Companions, which are funded by other nonprofits to provide respite care. My mother’s chaperone takes her to lunch at a local senior center or other location. She comes in 4 days a week, 5 hours a day. It gives me a break.
On the other hand, my organization provides me with a social life and camaraderie. Because we share the same lives as our caregivers, we seek and enjoy each other’s company.
Do you have an interesting story about caring for an elderly relative that you’d like to share with Business Insider? Send your details to jridley@businessinsider.com.
