Being a parent can feel like the most thankless job in the world most days. You work tirelessly, pour your heart out to give your kids everything, yet you rarely even hear a “thank you,” much less a sincere expression of appreciation for all you’ve done for them. Sure, it’s nice to hear a “thank you” every now and then, but does it really matter if you receive thanks from the people you love?
Previous research has shown that hearing “thank you” and expressions of gratitude are important for the quality of romantic relationships, but what about parent-child relationships, or the quality of relationships between parents? A recent study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology sought to answer this question by looking at whether hearing “thank you” leads to positive outcomes, such as improved relationships, reduced parenting stress, and improved mental health.
Research details
The study involved 593 parents with children between the ages of 4 and 17. All parents in the study were married or in a romantic relationship. The parents answered a questionnaire about whether their family expressed gratitude to them, that is, the extent to which they showed appreciation or recognition for the work their partner or children did for the family. The researchers also asked about their relationship with their partner, their stress levels with parenting, and whether they had symptoms of psychological stress (anxiety, despair, or depression). To see if the age of the children had any effect, the researchers divided the children into younger (4-12 years old) and older (13-17 years old) groups.
Key findings
The researchers found that:
Gratitude from children (both older and younger) is associated with less parenting stress. This seems especially true when it comes to gratitude from older people. Gratitude from romantic partners and older people is associated with less psychological distress. That is, gratitude from family members is associated with a lower likelihood of feeling tense, hopeless, or depressed. Gratitude from romantic partners and spouses is associated with better relationship quality, but not less parenting stress. This supports previous research and extends it to relationships in parenting. Mothers feel less appreciated than fathers. Mothers reported lower levels of gratitude from partners and older people. Gratitude may be more important to mothers than fathers. Gratitude seemed to have a greater positive impact on mothers than fathers.
Overall translation
The point here is that as a parent, it really matters if you hear “thank you.” Feeling that your children or partner appreciates all your work can lead to better relationship quality, less parenting stress, and less risk of mental stress. Feeling gratitude from your partner rather than from your children seems to have its own benefits, so it may be important to receive gratitude from both. When it comes to gratitude from children, it seems that gratitude from older teens is more meaningful. This may be because older children are able to express their gratitude more sincerely and specifically than younger children. Finally, gratitude may be harder to come by and more meaningful to mothers than fathers. Research shows that, on average, mothers do about twice as much household work as fathers, so it makes sense that mothers expect more gratitude and are more grateful when thanked.
Of course, this study has limitations and more research is needed. It was a relatively small, correlational study (meaning we don’t know whether gratitude actually leads to better outcomes or is just associated with better outcomes). Also, this study was based on self-reports of gratitude, and future research should examine whether perceived gratitude reflects actual expressed gratitude.
You might be thinking, “This is all well and good, but how do I get my kids or partner to actually express gratitude?” Sure, you could send them the results of this survey, but if that feels too passive-aggressive, here are some additional ways to promote gratitude in your family:
Help your child notice what others do for them. Children often have no idea how much effort goes into making their lives run smoothly. Start pointing out all the things others do for them. For example, explain what the teacher has to do before your child gets to school in the morning, remind your child that someone has to clear the table after they leave a restaurant, and involve your child in everything it takes to make a meal, from meal planning to grocery shopping to cooking and cleaning up. Encourage your child to be grateful for the other parent. If you have a parenting partner, encourage your child to express gratitude. You don’t have to “force” your child to express gratitude, but you can simply remind them of the efforts of the other parent. For example, “I’m so glad Daddy took me to the playground this morning. Daddy knows how much you love the playground and wanted to do something special for you.” If you’re a single parent, talk to your friends and do it for each other. Model gratitude. Express sincere gratitude frequently to your children, partner, and other people in your life. You can thank your parents for things they have done for you, but also for things they have done for others, been kind to siblings, and otherwise had a positive impact on you. Let your partner and children know how much it means to you when they express gratitude to you. Don’t feel bad if you ask them to thank you more. You can also explain how to express gratitude in the way that is most meaningful to you (for example, do you like a simple “thank you” or would you like a more specific thank you message?). When your parents express gratitude to you, tell them how happy and proud it makes you and that it means a lot to you. Commit to recognizing each other’s efforts and expressing gratitude regularly. It’s easy to forget to thank your parenting partner, but this study highlights how important it is. Make it a daily habit to thank each other and express gratitude. Teach your children about gratitude. Teach your children how expressing gratitude makes others feel and show them different ways to show gratitude beyond just “thank you” (such as saying “I appreciate it so much” or “That meant a lot to me” or even writing a letter).
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